Thursday, January 10, 2013

Mommy Guilt

Hi there.  I haven't blogged in a while, although I've had many topics on my mind.  Just not enough time to write them down and when I did have time - well, where to start?  I was hoping to share some pictures from our visit to Virginia for Christmas but I've yet to dig my camera out of my purse.  Since we've returned to NY I've been in this weird post baby/pre-deployment nesting/trying to make my house functional with a 2 year old and 3 month old mood...but don't come look at my house because you wouldn't know I've done a thing!  By the time I tackle one pile, another has built up right beside it. 

Anyways, today I am writing about Mommy guilt.  Something I've had to battle with over the past month.  I hesitate to say the first few months with Emmilyn have been challenging because so many people have much greater challenges to overcome than me.  Are you following the Bring Home the Browns story?  So heartbreaking and inspiring at the same time.  So yeah, I really have nothing I can complain about in the big picture, however compared to Landon we have had more of a rollercoaster ride that has forced me to deal with guilt about my job as a Mom.  In the 3 months since Emmilyn's birth I have had a uterine infection, milk supply issues (did you know that peppermint can kill your milk supply or for some people so can birth control?), the flu which turned into strep throat, and an on-going battle in breastfeeding Emmilyn.  The latter has always been very important to me.  I nursed Landon until he was 6 months and had a goal to nurse Emmilyn to age one but my milk, despite how I altered my diet, just seemed to disagree with her.  Not to mention at over 2 months of age we were still in the 'teaching' phase and it just never seemed easy for her.  I didn't want to switch to formula because in my eyes I would be a failure yet I felt like I was losing my sanity.  So, we decided to try formula for a couple of days.  Oh my gosh, what a different and happy little baby I had!!  She still has her battles with tummy aches on occasion but she seemed so much more satisfied and I felt like I could breathe!  As mother's we want nothing more than for our children to be happy but it's easy to get caught up in little details that make us feel like a bad Mom. 

Need another example?  I've often written about our potty training journey on here with Landon.  He was nearly accident free....and then Emmilyn was born.  Yes, some of you told me.  Regression happens.  I didn't listen.  I had to learn the hard way.  After about 3 weeks he was back in diapers.  GUILT!  And the truth?  I haven't fully given it a go again because I. Am. Tired.

For a while I didn't want to blog about my potty training failure.  I didn't want to write that I felt like day in and day out all I did was feed Emmilyn and sit in the bathroom with Landon forcing him on the potty.  I'm supposed to be a positive example of early potty training, right? 

The truth is that these 'failures' are in fact not failures at all.  Just normal things that happen to Moms.  Some may view my giving up on breastfeeding or giving up on potty training as a failure.  I view them as my journey in motherhood.  No two babies are ever the same and there is absolutely no way to predict what will work best for each one, until you try.  I feel like I am a happier Mom with a happier baby and a, well, typical 2 year old who has his good days and his bad days. :)  I'm sure I will have many more Mommy Guilt experiences over the next 20 years but it just means that I love my children and only want for them to be happy.  That makes me a good Mom.

2 comments:

  1. When I switched to formula after a terrible month of breastfeeding with my first (he still hadn't regained his birth weight after a month!) I felt AWFUL, but it ended up being for the best. Happy babies are worth it.

    I am right there with you on potty training problems, oh man.

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  2. I dealt with the same mommy guilt after having an unplanned c-section, multiple postpartum complications, including a massive hemorrhage, zero milk supply, and so on and so forth. I was absolutely devastated that I couldn't breastfeed Betsy, but we have to do whatever is necessary to make sure our babies are happy and healthy. You're doing a great job! Hang in there :)

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